Hope

hope
həʊp
noun
  1. 1.
    a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.
    synonyms: aspirationdesirewishexpectation, ambitionaimplandreamdaydreampipe dream

    Around three weeks ago we had a set back and believe me, as used to them as I am it just doesn’t seem to get easier.

    I realised after the distraction of a holiday that I was late by around a week. Not an unusual scenario so I told myself to wait another seven days and no doubt it would again all be a false alarm. Sensible head on #notgettingexcited.

    After a few more days, still nothing and that’s when it happens. Like clockwork and without fail, no matter how many times I tell myself not to let it in. Hope.

    It begins as a small little burn at the pit of my stomach and simmers gently. I try to stop the momentum. I try to tell myself that it’s nothing. I try to stop old day dreams returning of sleepless nights, christenings, first birthdays and Father Christmas. Things that as a newly married couple would accept as normal aspiration and fantasy was less of the impossible myth it is now, yet it’s already there, burning away.

    In the week before we take the test (the one I never seem to pass) only one thing is different, we don’t talk about it. Our combined hope is split between the two of us quietly because there’s more too it than that now. That hope is now offset by a colossal amount of fear that grows with it and if we don’t say anything we may just slip under the radar, we might just get away with it, it might just be okay this time.

    Eventually however, hope has inevitably over taken again and by the time the test flashes the familiar ‘not pregnant’ (one we should learn to expect) we are, as always, crushed. We hit the deck with a bang and it’s time for the exhausting soul re-build.

    One of life’s lessons I suppose and one you’re never told is that hope can be a very dangerous thing.

    IMG_1168

     

    Anyway, we bought a puppy instead and we’ll begin IVF again in October. Time to be brave.

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