Hope

July 24, 2017July 24, 2017 / katieaust1 / Leave a comment

hope

həʊp

noun

1.

a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.

synonyms: aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, plan, dream, daydream, pipe dream

Around three weeks ago we had a set back and believe me, as used to them as I am it just doesn’t seem to get easier.

I realised after the distraction of a holiday that I was late by around a week. Not an unusual scenario so I told myself to wait another seven days and no doubt it would again all be a false alarm. Sensible head on #notgettingexcited.

After a few more days, still nothing and that’s when it happens. Like clockwork and without fail, no matter how many times I tell myself not to let it in. Hope.

It begins as a small little burn at the pit of my stomach and simmers gently. I try to stop the momentum. I try to tell myself that it’s nothing. I try to stop old day dreams returning of sleepless nights, christenings, first birthdays and Father Christmas. Things that as a newly married couple would accept as normal aspiration and fantasy was less of the impossible myth it is now, yet it’s already there, burning away.

In the week before we take the test (the one I never seem to pass) only one thing is different, we don’t talk about it. Our combined hope is split between the two of us quietly because there’s more too it than that now. That hope is now offset by a colossal amount of fear that grows with it and if we don’t say anything we may just slip under the radar, we might just get away with it, it might just be okay this time.

Eventually however, hope has inevitably over taken again and by the time the test flashes the familiar ‘not pregnant’ (one we should learn to expect) we are, as always, crushed. We hit the deck with a bang and it’s time for the exhausting soul re-build.

One of life’s lessons I suppose and one you’re never told is that hope can be a very dangerous thing.

Anyway, we bought a puppy instead and we’ll begin IVF again in October. Time to be brave.

You are still a person!

July 19, 2017July 19, 2017 / katieaust1 / Leave a comment

Thirty years old and dealing with fertility issues is a strange place to be.

My twenty year old years of ‘She’ll learn when she gets older’ and ‘She’s still young’ are behind me. My quota of mistakes have been made. I am a grown up.

Friends and relatives come to the mortgaged house that we live in for dinner (himself cooks- I’m still void of culinary talent) and the kitchen is cleaned thereafter to look shiny and new. We own Duelit appliances and an Aga. I’m aware of other people’s feelings and now remember to take a suitcase packed with nurofen, aftersun and mosquito repellent on holiday with me due to my increasing lack of tolerance to hangovers and sun burn. My mum is no longer on these holidays in order to use hers.

I rush home to feed the dog and I normally manage to schedule the washing so that our underwear drawers contain clean socks and knickers (normally).

In my twenties I once woke up late to catch a flight. I woke up late because I had been up until 4am the night before partying. Himself and I ordered pizza and in our scramble to leave the house, left the remains of said pizza along with three empty wine bottles and an overflowing ashtray on the table. It stayed there for the entire two weeks that we were away (you can imagine the honk when we returned). I now understand that I am a grown up because the mere idea of this would wake me up at night in a cold sweat.

(above not seemingly too worried about moulding old pizza)

The point is that mentally I am there, adulthood is upon me, yet I am unable to move onto the next stage, this being parenthood. The other problem with this is society, I am unable to get on with my adult years because it would seem that without a child in tow I’m still to be considered a real person. I cannot converse in the talk of babies. I don’t apply for any exceptions to be made for me. I don’t understand that when we have them ‘You’ll understand’.

Sometimes this gets me really down. You see, for those out there that feel like they can push us outside the circle, please remember that we’re trying and that really is all we can do. I’m not an alien I swear, I’ve just not been blessed with the ability to conceive without help. No scales or horns where they shouldn’t be. That really is it, I promise.

The physical pain speaks for itself but the emotional torment results in actual trauma. Actual painful, heart breaking trauma. Frustration over something that can’t be controlled, frustration that leads us to believe that we are lesser people.

I will tell you this though, if anything makes you a grown up that process does. It pushes your body and your relationship to the edge. It ages you, it changes your appearance and the way you look at life. I would wish it on nobody but perhaps, should you ever find yourselves there ‘you’ll understand’.

Limbo

July 18, 2017 / katieaust1 / Leave a comment

I’ve never really been much good at limbo. I like to be moving forward, feeling accomplishment, progressing life.

This morning is a Tuesday and I woke at 7am by means of an obnoxious alarm. Grumpily I trudged to the bathroom, showered and began the long process of caking my face in make-up and beauty products (something I’ve always had a passion for). I spent ten minutes pulling out one pair of tights after another only to find that every pair I owned sported multiple ladders. Irritated, I suck them all back in the drawer ready for the same battle tomorrow. Descending the stairs, five minutes are spent saying ‘Hello’ to Dexter the dog, trying not to offend his welcome by holding him at an arm’s length to save my black trousers from his velcro-like Labrador blonde hair.

After just enough time to grab a slice of toast with my husband who works mainly from home, I’m out the door, keys in hand en-route to the office. The second working day of the week has begun.

Erm- no, try this..

This morning is a Tuesday and I woke at 9.26am. 9.26am!! I didn’t even hop out of bed in alarm and dress myself so quickly my skirt ended up back to front. No, instead I lounged in bed, checked the social media garb and contemplated my day.

Things I must do today

…………………………..

Things I should do today

Unpack suitcases from holiday
Walk dog
Attempt the gym (this sounds a lot more energetic than it is)
Clean house (again the enthusiasm here tends to be on the lower spectrum)

Things that people are going to be very upset with me for not doing today

………………………………

(Except potentially the dog)

Eventually I make it to the bathroom and observe myself in the mirror with strangers eyes. I’m starting to go a little grey, just to the sides but there is no doubt it’s giving my once shiny hair a wiry hint. Has my face changed? It looks more lined. Do I have jowls??? Perhaps I’ll add ‘Botox research’ to my list. No need for make-up, the dog isn’t bothered and I’m not sure I have the energy to poly-fil those lines anyway.

So what has happened to make my life so careless and responsibility free? What has enabled a thirty year old woman to loll around in bed on a working week morning like a retiree? The truth is that I had my first round of IVF a year ago and I got it wrong!

I gave up my job when we began the process, I was overwhelmed by the cocktail of hormonal drugs and the constant appointments and scans, I let it become me and because of this the real me just fell out of the bottom somewhere. In all honestly I also believed that the process would work, that at the end of it my purpose would be as a mother and a carer. Instead I put myself in a situation in which I depended on a positive result, dangerously making failure ‘impossible’.

This was a mistake. Limbo is a hard place to be, long-term plans are impossible to make and the guilt felt by standing so still in life while others rush around is aching. As I approach the next round I have realised that what I need to do is find me and keep a hold of her, whatever it takes. It turns out I was more of a friend to myself than I knew.

(Dex got his walk by the way)